how to love a Job

No, I'm not talking about employment - I mean the kind of person around you who is suffering miserably. Like the guy in the Bible, you know the one - his story is told right after Esther's.

Yeah - that Job. Long O.

Well, I've got a couple right now. They are hurting, they've suffered loss and tragedy, and they've been persevering through a lot of hard circumstances for a long time. They are seemingly bitter at God, unsure if His promises will ever come to pass, and ready for Him to ANSWER them already! To me it seems their faith seems to be slipping at times, and then the next day, they're declaring His goodness once again. Just like this:

“I cannot keep from speaking.
I must express my anguish.
My bitter soul must complain.
Am I a sea monster or a dragon
that you must place me under guard?
I think, ‘My bed will comfort me,
and sleep will ease my misery,’
but then you shatter me with dreams
and terrify me with visions.
I would rather be strangled—
rather die than suffer like this.
I hate my life and don’t want to go on living.
Oh, leave me alone for my few remaining days.

“What are people, that you should make so much of us,
that you should think of us so often?
For you examine us every morning
and test us every moment.
Why won’t you leave me alone,
at least long enough for me to swallow!
If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
O watcher of all humanity?
Why make me your target?
Am I a burden to you?"
-Job 7:11-20

But then just a little while later, he goes into this declaration of faith and praise:


"For God is so wise and so mighty.
Who has ever challenged him successfully? . . .
He does great things too marvelous to understand.
He performs countless miracles."
-Job 9:4,10


These extremes can leave one with some whiplash if you're trying to walk with your Job on the road of his trial. I know God is teaching these people some amazing lessons and I trust that on the other side of these difficulties and sorrows, they are going to be so much stronger and even better fit to serve in His Kingdom. But how do I serve them effectively NOW?

The answer also lies in the book of Job in that by example of his friends, the Bible teaches us what NOT to do. Here are a few main points:

1. Shut up. Yup I said it. The most effective way to love a Job is to close your mouth. Don't talk. Don't mumble. Don't even try to console or reason or argue - you will dig yourself a dirty messy hole of mud that will only cave in on you and Job both. Don't engage in conversation when Job is venting. Don't try to give a cliché answer like "It will all work out" or "Trust in God" - none of that. Here's my tip for loving the Job in your life: take a clothes-pin out of your junk drawer, insert both of your lips and allow the clamp to shut. Do not remove said clothes-pin until your Job has put away his broken pottery and his shaking fist, and not a minute before. . .

2. Stay put. Take on an attitude that is willing to suffer too, no matter how painful it will be. Put on your brave face and don't move a muscle to leave. Job needs to know that you will be there for him, and that you won't desert him, no matter how hard it gets. NEVER do as Job's wife actually did and tell him to curse God and die already. Uh, yeah - not so helpful. Plant your feet, plant your butt, and use your body language and countenance to show that you love Job unconditionally and that you are willing to smell the stench of his sores until they are healed.

3. Cry. Allow yourself to feel his pain. Don't pretend it wouldn't hurt if you were the one covered in dust and tears. Look into his eyes and feel as much of his pain as you can bear. Don't look away, don't harden your heart, don't steel your emotions . . .

4. Touch him. Offer a hand over his, a shoulder to cry on, an embrace, and a loving caress. (Okay, this will only work appropriately in certain relationships – I’m not suggesting this for a cross-gender Job in your life)

Maybe you don’t know what I’m talking about yet, but someday you will. How do I know this? Because life is HARD. Period.

Read the book of Job this week and let me know your thoughts on how to best love someone going through extremely difficult trials. I’d love some of your pointers too . . .

Mothers and Daughters

Hi, Friends. Sorry I haven't been able to blog for a few weeks - computer viruses! I think we are healed - at least this one for now.

And I have had so many thoughts about mothers and daughters, I don't even know where to begin.

For starters, I'm so thankful to God for a child of each gender, because they both have taught me so much about life, love, and God. My daughter is my first-born (like I am), possesses some perfectionist tendencies (like I do), is very driven (like I am), and tends to be a bit bossy at times (like I do). In sum, she's pretty much my mini-me. As I've observed, many daughters are quite similar to their mothers - and with good reason. We're the ones they imitate (like when she's two and she struts around the house with her pretend phone and mimics your every word), and we're the ones they look to for that example of womanhood. It's no wonder we're so alike. And that has its benefits and its draw-backs when it comes to our relationships.

How about the fact that you can give your daughter a look and she knows exactly what you're thinking? Ever try that with your son? Yeah . . . not so much.

And how about the joys of sharing the same tastes and activities? A mom told me the other day that her 7-year-old asked her if they could go to a coffee shop, have a hot drink and read their books together at the table. Daughters can't necessarily share all that with their dads, but there's always Mom when you have an itch to go to the mall or watch a chick-flick.

Or what about the need to talk to one another? My best friend from high school lives far from her mom, but they talk every day. What do they talk about? Silly things like dinner and clothes, and serious things like raising kids and loving their husbands. When daughters are grown, we even become good at meeting these conversational needs for our mothers. My mom called me last night in distress and tears. Once she had shared her heart with me, though, she said she felt so much better just to be able to say it aloud to me.

One more thing I'm learning about mothers and daughters, though, is even though we assume they understand our love, we still need to verbalize it. Just like I wrote last time about being sure I tell my son in creative ways that he is a priority to me, I need to express my love to my daughter as well. I've left it unsaid with her plenty of times. Unfortunately I haven't left the criticisms unsaid. "That shirt doesn't match" "Your hair is a tangled mess" "Why can't you pick up your room better?" I sometimes think that because our daughters are so similar to us, and because we are leading by example, that we imagine them as little extensions of ourselves. And then we start treating them like we treat ourselves - critical, harsh, exacting. Am I hitting a chord here?

I remember my mom being so great at encouraging me. I think it may be because she saw how much her words of affirmation meant to me, how much I sought her approval and praise. I do remember (and still hear it often) her telling me that I could do anything I set my heart to, and how proud she was of me. She tells me now that I turned out great IN SPITE of her parenting, but I believe much of my success and sense of self-worth is BECAUSE of the mother she was. Though she was demanding at times (as we all are), I knew she valued me and loved me for ME.

So lately, I've tried to remind myself that my daughter needs to hear and see how much I love her and think the world of her. She needs my encouragement, not just my correction. I believe we all need to express our love carefully and deliberately to our daughters, instead of assuming that they know what we're thinking. Let's write our thoughts in little notes on pretty paper, whisper how wonderful we think they're turning out to be in their ears at night, take them out on special "dates" to places they like, and play with their hair as we express their potential to them. Because, like our sons, our daughters too may question our priorities based on how we spend our time or how we constantly tell them what to do and how to be.

I, for one, never want my daughter to question whether or not I love her as deeply as I truly do.

I love you more than . . .

OK, confession time.

My son and I play a very silly game. Sometimes we'll be playing it and my husband will just look at us askance like we're from a different planet. But I still defend that it holds purpose.


Before I tell you about the game, I want to explain that I believe there is a unique bond between a mother and a son. It's different than any other relationship on the planet. I'm mostly at a loss for words to describe it, but I think non-sexually romantic and sweet is how I'd start. There's somewhat of a mutual admiration and fierce devotion that is very special for mothers and sons, and I've seen it in action in other families as well.

And that will help you to understand our little game. So I'll say "I love you," and he'll say "I love you more" and then I'll say "I love you more than ______________," and he will try to one-up me and say what he loves me more than. There's times it's more hilarious than one could possibly imagine, like "I love you more than band-aids," and then there's the really deep ones, like this one he said to me the other night: "I love you more than Star Wars Legos."

"Whoa," I said. And I knew I'd have to come up with something huge to top that.

"I love you more than books."

"Oh," he replied in amazement. "That's a lot. 'Cause you really love books, Mom." Yes, it is a lot, Sweetie. But, honestly, there's not even a comparison.

Which made me wonder: do our kids see where our priorities lie? Do they know we'd take a bullet for them? Do they understand how they rank in matters of importance? Because the average observer might not. By the way I spend my time on errands, cleaning, cooking, working, reading, writing, cleaning, cooking, laundry, talking on the phone, sending e-mails - well, you can't really tell my priorities by how I spend my time. And to hear me talk to him sometimes you might wonder as well. One time my kids asked me why I was so bossy. Yeah. Ouch. So I'll keep playing my game with him because you know what? Some days it's all I've got. My one chance to show him how much he really means to me.

So bring on the rolling-of-eyes, Husband, Dear. I love you more than books too.

Next time . . . daughters!