Hi, Friends. Sorry I haven't been able to blog for a few weeks - computer viruses! I think we are healed - at least this one for now.
And I have had so many thoughts about mothers and daughters, I don't even know where to begin.
For starters, I'm so thankful to God for a child of each gender, because they both have taught me so much about life, love, and God. My daughter is my first-born (like I am), possesses some perfectionist tendencies (like I do), is very driven (like I am), and tends to be a bit bossy at times (like I do). In sum, she's pretty much my mini-me. As I've observed, many daughters are quite similar to their mothers - and with good reason. We're the ones they imitate (like when she's two and she struts around the house with her pretend phone and mimics your every word), and we're the ones they look to for that example of womanhood. It's no wonder we're so alike. And that has its benefits and its draw-backs when it comes to our relationships.
How about the fact that you can give your daughter a look and she knows exactly what you're thinking? Ever try that with your son? Yeah . . . not so much.
And how about the joys of sharing the same tastes and activities? A mom told me the other day that her 7-year-old asked her if they could go to a coffee shop, have a hot drink and read their books together at the table. Daughters can't necessarily share all that with their dads, but there's always Mom when you have an itch to go to the mall or watch a chick-flick.
Or what about the need to talk to one another? My best friend from high school lives far from her mom, but they talk every day. What do they talk about? Silly things like dinner and clothes, and serious things like raising kids and loving their husbands. When daughters are grown, we even become good at meeting these conversational needs for our mothers. My mom called me last night in distress and tears. Once she had shared her heart with me, though, she said she felt so much better just to be able to say it aloud to me.
One more thing I'm learning about mothers and daughters, though, is even though we assume they understand our love, we still need to verbalize it. Just like I wrote last time about being sure I tell my son in creative ways that he is a priority to me, I need to express my love to my daughter as well. I've left it unsaid with her plenty of times. Unfortunately I haven't left the criticisms unsaid. "That shirt doesn't match" "Your hair is a tangled mess" "Why can't you pick up your room better?" I sometimes think that because our daughters are so similar to us, and because we are leading by example, that we imagine them as little extensions of ourselves. And then we start treating them like we treat ourselves - critical, harsh, exacting. Am I hitting a chord here?
I remember my mom being so great at encouraging me. I think it may be because she saw how much her words of affirmation meant to me, how much I sought her approval and praise. I do remember (and still hear it often) her telling me that I could do anything I set my heart to, and how proud she was of me. She tells me now that I turned out great IN SPITE of her parenting, but I believe much of my success and sense of self-worth is BECAUSE of the mother she was. Though she was demanding at times (as we all are), I knew she valued me and loved me for ME.
So lately, I've tried to remind myself that my daughter needs to hear and see how much I love her and think the world of her. She needs my encouragement, not just my correction. I believe we all need to express our love carefully and deliberately to our daughters, instead of assuming that they know what we're thinking. Let's write our thoughts in little notes on pretty paper, whisper how wonderful we think they're turning out to be in their ears at night, take them out on special "dates" to places they like, and play with their hair as we express their potential to them. Because, like our sons, our daughters too may question our priorities based on how we spend our time or how we constantly tell them what to do and how to be.
I, for one, never want my daughter to question whether or not I love her as deeply as I truly do.
