a heaviness

I know I'm not the only one who has felt this way before. Life gets heavy. It feels dark, and Satan threatens to rob it of all light. And I know it's a battle in the war of good and evil, but I'm wounded and it's hard to stand right now. Jesus beckons from across the field to the safe bunker, but it seems so far away. My body is aching today, and I have a hunch it might be due to the fact that I'm carrying too much of this. I need to lay it at His feet. But sometimes I don't know how. Sometimes He's so near but I still can't reach Him. I know I need to learn how to kneel before Him and surrender. Un-shoulder the pain. Un-strap the heaviness. Can we learn together?

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean He no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?" -Romans 8:35 (NLT)

"Give your burdens to the LORD, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. But You, O God will send the wicked down the the pit of destruction. Murderers and liars will die young, but I am trusting you to save me." -Psalm 55: 22-23 (NLT)

Father, I feel this weight that is not mine. I choose to let it go. I don't want the pain of it in me and on me. I know You can take it from me if I let You. So I do. Jesus, let me sit here a little longer, please. My head in your lap and your hands pulling the heaviness off my shoulders. I know you want me to cry with those who cry and sing with those who sing, and I do. The privilege of those things brings a smile to my face and to Yours. But when my enemy comes in the middle of the tears and feeds us all lies I don't have the strength to fight him. Be my strength, Spirit. Make me able in my inability. Lift my chin when that liar punches my face again with his schemes and dirty hopeless tricks. My hands are open to your gifts and your grace. You fill my cup with more love, and then I see that it overflows. You call me off the battlefield to bind my wounds and send me back out for more of that murderer's blood. Though I can't quite see it yet, the victory is already Yours.

who am I?

Who am I to be here? To draw breath in a place where the air is so sweet and fresh? To have all I have? To be given such love to pour out? To have strength and health and nourishment? Who am I? I'm a nobody.
I didn't earn this. Not a speck of it. All is a gift. "All's Grace" (Ann Voskamp)
And I'm humbled. Because it's too much.
And I guess that's where He wants me. On my knees, open hands raised, reaching to receive and working to pour it out. It's why I was made - the reason these muscles and bones and neurons were formed and weaved. For this.
I'm humbled. Humble. Unworthy, yet made worthy by His Righteousness imbued.
"Those who are left will be the lowly and humble, for it is they who trust in the Name of the LORD." -Zephaniah 3:12 (NLT)
Who am I? Oh, Jesus, I'm no one. But You have made me a someone. By Your blood you rescued and redeemed and transformed me. And now my identity is simple - I'm Yours. No more, no less. And today I'm humbled again. Just as yesterday. As the day You saved me.

To be known as thankful

I follow Jesus, and I call myself a Christ-follower.

It's who I am. And who I am dictates what I do. I am a follower. I follow. By choice and willing surrender to what would otherwise be an easy surrender to selfish sin. But knowing Jesus cultivates a desire to please Him. To find out what He wants and then go in that direction.

Recently I'm learning more and more that what He wants is my thankfulness. For the good, the bad, and the hard. Forever thankful for Him and this life allowed by Grace.

"Do I eat the meat of bulls? Do I drink the blood of goats?

Make thankfulness your sacrifice to God, and keep the vows you made to the Most High.

Then call on me when you are in trouble and I will rescue you, and you will give Me glory.

. . .

But giving thanks is a sacrifice that truly honors me.

If you keep to my path, I will reveal to you the salvation of God." - Psalm 50: 13-15, 23

If I need anything from Him, I must be living in thanksgiving. In the lifestyle of it. The day-in and day-out thanks for love and mercy and grace and kisses and coffee and raindrops.

I'm asking God for some big things this month. I'll be in Haiti in less than 24 days.

I'm asking Him for a lot of things. And He is providing them, bit by bit.

My only response, my natural and chosen reaction -

Thank You. Thank You, Lord. You are Good. I see that you love me. If You never give me another thing, not one more morsel or a single other breath, You have given me more than Enough. You deserve Glory. I'll not leave it unsaid. Not ever. Thank You, Jesus. Thank You.