If you've missed the past couple of posts, please take a moment to go back so that this one will make more sense. If you've been following the past week, you may have been challenged by what God is speaking to us about living our lives without protective, lonely walls, and I pray that God will continue His good work to completion.
Today I'd like to continue sharing my demolition process . . .
After pulling down the insecurity bricks, I believe God spoke clearly to me about forgiveness. And this is anything but simple and easy. Forgiveness is painful, tumultuous, messy, and time-consuming. When it came to women, a few of whom I mentioned in the first 'walls' post, forgiving was frightening. If I let those wounds be healed, would that excuse their actions? Would it mean letting myself be re-exposed to the same treatment from other women? Would it be taking the blame on myself? These fears blocked my ability to forgive for too long. Because in the end it wasn't about them.
It was about cleansing my own heart before Jesus.
Because the bitterness I held onto, regardless of the source, was sinful black sludge. Because it made me a hypocrite - and an ugly one at that. Of course I had hurt other women, too. Was I innocent? NO! I had participated in gossip, rumors, slander, misunderstandings, assumptions, and rejection too. Intentionally and unintentionally. So for me to withhold forgiveness, yet ask for it from Him was nothing less than appalling! It made no sense to Jesus, and once my eyes were opened long enough to see it, it made no sense to me either. So I had to forgive. There was no other option.
"Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." - Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
In virtually every case, it was not even a conversation between me and another woman, but rather a discussion Jesus and I had. It went something like this -
Jesus: You need to take those unforgiveness bricks down off your wall.
Me: No, I don't think that's possible. I don't want to. I can't.
Jesus: They are doing more harm than good to you.
Me: But I can't go through that again. My bricks protect me.
Jesus: That's my job.
Me: I don't think you did a very good job last time.
Jesus: Don't blame me for her sin.
Me: Well . . .
Jesus: I did protect you. You don't know what could have happened if I had not stepped in when I did.
Me: I didn't think of that . . .
Jesus: I know what happened was ugly, but you need to give me a chance to show you the beautiful sculpture I'm making from the pieces of your broken heart.
Me: That sounds painful.
Jesus: Maybe, but what else are you going to do? Wallow in the dark? Keep bleeding in lonliness?
Me: Maybe . . .
Jesus: No. I have a better idea. Let me help you forgive her.
Me: I don't know . . . Does that make it acceptable?
Jesus: No, but it heals. It makes room for Me to show you Myself and My Goodness. It is your surrender to let Me do what I need to do. Forgiveness covers - it is Love. Forgiveness is opening your clenched fists and putting the act of exacting justice in My Hands, which is where it belongs. Vengence is not yours, never has been yours, and never will be. You will never be holy as long as you try to hold onto it.
Me: Well . . . alright, here You go.
Jesus: There's something you're holding in your other hand too. Hand that over as well.
Me: What's this?
Jesus: Pride.
Me: It doesn't look like pride.
Jesus: It is. You think you've never done this before? You think you're innocent in all of this? You're not. Do you want me to show you the pain she has, her wall?
Me: NO! No, please, I can't look at that. Don't show me that!
Jesus: Fine. Take my word for it, then.
Me: Okay, here you go.
Jesus: Good. Now . . . come here into My arms.
Me: I'm sorry. Forgive me.
Jesus: I already did. Come here . . .
Me: I'm afraid.
Jesus: Of Me?
Me: No . . . I don't think so . . . I think I'm afraid of having to do this again.
Jesus: One step at at time, Precious. Come and let me rub this medicine on, let me wrap up your heart with My Love. I'll take away that pain. I really don't want you to keep bleeding like this.
Me: Oh, that sounds amazing. One more thing, Lord . . .
Jesus: Yes?
Me: Can I have my bricks back . . . just in case.
Jesus: No, child.
Me: Then You're telling me this won't happen again?
Jesus: No, child.
Me: But . . .
Jesus: I will show you another way. You will learn to love deep as I do. I will show you how to listen and speak my light and peace. I will pour my healing over you and over her, and I will unify you both in My love. I will guide you in what to say and what not to say. I will show you how I see her and I will use you both for Love. It will take time and continuous surrender to My precious plan. I will be here for you. I will strengthen you. I will be the only wall you need. Now are you ready to come close? Come into my arms, I am waiting.
"Hatred stirs up quarrels, but love makes up for all offenses." -Proverbs 10:12 (NLT)
Friends, forgiveness is not optional. God's Word says we MUST forgive. I challenge you to have your own conversation with the Lord of Love today. Let Him wash away your bitterness and pour a new spirit in you. Surrender to His plan to heal you. You can trust Him.
I do.
1 comment:
More sobs, sobs ,sobs. Can't stop crying. Jesus
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