So I'm going to feel mostly like a hypocrite today because I built back up my wall yesterday with several (okay, quite a few) bricks. Not the unforgiveness bricks - those are still put far away. Not the protective bricks - I'm not really afraid you'll hurt me. No, a different kind of bricks.
They're what I call Mask Bricks. The kind I spackle on when I don't like who I am so I put on a mask and try to be a different woman. And the kind I build up when I'm putting on a fake smile when inside I'm crying. And the kind I have to put on to function normally when I'm expected to. Sadly, I most usually put these bricks on for work and for Church.
Some of this need to build a hiding wall comes from insecurities, and some of it comes from needing to be a functional human being when I'd rather withdraw into my own little world and be alone. Sometimes I wonder why God gave me an introvert personality, yet called me to live such an extroverted lifestyle and ministry.
And maybe you have some Mask Bricks too.
You know, the smile you wear over your tears so people won't worry and press. The "fine" reply when people ask how you're doing when you're feeling anything but. The way you get along with your spouse when others are around, but you were just ready to rip each other's heads off five minutes before in the car. The way you say some things to cover up the wounds, but you don't divulge everything because that would be admitting you were wrong. The way you avoid doing or saying certain things that would come naturally, but people have made fun of you for it before, and even though they were just joking, it still hurt. They may have even liked that about you, but you hate it and wish it were different so you try to change. The way you dress or decorate your house like another woman you'd rather be, when your tastes don't really fit those at all. And the you who is really you gets lost somewhere between the masks and the bricks and the mortar.
So now it's demolition time again, because being someone else does not glorify God, and neither does lying or pretending.
"Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ's body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other. In His grace, God has given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So if God has given you the ability to prophesy, speak out with as much faith as God has given you. If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly. Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." - Romans 12:4-10
I am special. You are special. We are each to serve our unique purpose with genuine love and affection for one another. We are to be authentic. Because it honors God and puts His desires first before our own. Yeah, I know - easier said than done.
But we can do it.
So today I will pray and ask God to help me. Help me say what needs to be said, even though it will expose my vulnerability. Being vulnerable is not equal to being weak. Vulnerability is an open door to genuine, authentic love. Vulnerability is an opportunity to be YOU. The real you. Vulnerability is the freedom to surrender control to God. Put the deck in His hands instead of trying to stack it in your favor.
And I will talk to Him about how He made me, and how there are some things I don't have a very good appreciation of when it comes to what He did "in my mother's womb." But maybe He can show me why He did that and why He treasures it. And maybe I'll learn to appreciate it too. And if I can appreciate it, then I can live it out rather than trying to hide it or change it or continue being insecure about it.
And when people ask how I am, I'll try my best not to give a flippant 'fine'. Depending on how much I trust them, I'll be as honest as possible and as vulnerable as I can.
Because I don't want to lose ME in my wall.
So down come the bricks again . . .
2 comments:
AMEN sista! I love you to pieces and miss you! I remember a time when you and I were taking bricks down together...that was so valuable, and I am so grateful that God is teaching ladies this lesson and that ladies have courageous women like you to show them how to do it right ; ) love you!
Well it is comforting to know that I am not the only one who has mask bricks. I feel like when people ask "How are you" that it has become a greeting and not really literal or it could be my excuse to just say 'fine" or when I am really having a troublesome day I will say "Even so it is well" when asked how i am doing. This taking off brick stuff is harder than I thought and brings up so much emotion. What helps me to accept myself is being thankful, seems like when I feel down, I try to stay encouraged by thanking God for the good things so that my focus is not on the negative things I think should change. It sure is nice reading your blogs Robyn, you are a gifted writer so write more! So many conversations in my head about this stuff and to be able to express my feelings with other sisters in Christ feels really good. Thanks for allowing me to express my thoughts.
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